Back in Black

As a kid I would perpetually start journals or diaries, writing about the boys I liked, how my parents frustrated me so, my wishes and middle school thoughts. One diary I had actually named "Lacey." I had just learned about Anne Frank and her diary "Kitty" in school so I wanted to name my diary too...you know, in case some horrible atrocity happened to me and people were interested in what I thought about. I picked "Lacey" because that was the name of one of the older, more experienced girls at my gymnastics gym. I was just below making "team" and she was a Level bazillion...at least it seemed that way. Long story short, I idolized her, therefore named my diary after her. Talk about stalker!

And just about when I've successfully had a diary for about a month or two I'd forget about it. Tossed to the wind. Ignored and not to be looked at again for 6 months? A year? Three years? They always were interesting to go back and read. Well, I'm sad to say, I did it again with my blog...but I'm back fellow readers (all 2 of you). So look out!

LATELY....
I just moved back to St. Louis and so far it's not as great as I hoped. I knew what I was coming back to, but I think I had it in my mind that when I got here things would magically change and get better. If I believed everything would be ok, it's supposed to be ok! Instead, I'm living in a house where I see my mom's disease every day in her blotchy skin and toothpick legs. Instead, I sit in a freezing clinic with my cousin, my best friend, my other half as poison pushes its way through her veins for six hours a day. Instead, the one guy that was supposed to get me away from it all when it became unbearable is impossible and, quite frankly, never there when I needed him. Instead, I am waitressing again because the job market is so impossible--something I thought I'd left behind me years ago. Instead, I cross my fingers that ONE of my two friends won't be traveling to a wedding or busy so I have someone to hang out with.

Instead, I hate it.

I can't help but wonder if I made a huge mistake. I was living in FLORIDA for crying out loud, and I was making it on my own! I had job security, I had amazing friends, the guy was there when I needed him, and there was stuff to do! All of my friends went through there post-grad depression stage--moving home, trying to get a job, figuring yourself out--but I never did. I graduated then moved right away into an awesome town with my closest friends and a career. I went from one amazing part of my life to another. So now, I guess, it's my turn. I know I can't move back, I just got here. And I need to be with my family. If I had to go through one more family tragedy 15 hours away I don't think I would come out of it therapy-free. So be on the look out, I my be getting some things off my chest here. I can't say anything to the people here because they're all so happy I'm home. It will crush them to hear that I don't think it what it's cracked up to be.

PostSecret

Earlier this year I had my students do a PostSecret project. For those of you who don't know, PostSecret is an astounding website created by Frank Warner. He began it as a type of social experiment, distributing blank post cards to the masses asking people to send him their secrets anonymously. The results were phenomenal. He was getting thousands of responses, and soon people he didn't directly give a blank postcard to were even mailing him their secrets. He took the secrets and today he gives speeches and exhibitions around the country, not to mention his website which is updated weekly.

I can across PostSecret in college and have always been intrigued. It's amazing to see people put themselves out there--you sympathize and empathize, you feel for these people, you're disgusted by some, you laugh at others, and you relate ten-fold to still more. The intense emotions these people must be feeling to write it down and send it in amazes me. It is therapeutic, it helps heal. People put their heart and souls in these flimsy postcards to ATTEMPT to get the full feeling behind it. And the artwork and creativity can be simply breathtaking!

Anyway, I decided I wanted to take this idea into the classroom. My students submitted secrets anonymously and I must say I was blown away! Teaching middle school has always been a bit limiting, so when we began this project I wasn't expecting much. The most I hoped for was a sense of camaraderie in the classroom and a place for students to get a couple things off their chest. What they turned in, however, was far from mediocre!

The picture in this article were made by 13 and 14 years olds. This is what they think about day in and day out. These are the troubles they think about. Some are much more mature than you'd expect, but still it is what they have on their mind. I just wanted to share and brag about my kids' masterpieces!!

Lady Kim Speaks the Truth

I've always had a strange obsession with the supernatural...just ask my roommate Sandra who often came home for lunch during my summer off to find me 3 episodes deep in "A Haunting" marathon on the Discovery Channel, or taking notes to an episode of "Ghost Hunters" on SciFi. On multiple occasions I swore our house was haunted and I was determined to find the remedy. I even went to far as to buy white candles and lavender for a cleansing (those of you who were around last summer know that there was some serious bad ju-ju going on around here!).

Since school started again and I had something to do, I haven't been quite so obsessed. However, my friend Lindsey intrigued me with a trip she took to a local psychic. Bored and interested yesterday, Lindsey decided to take me to Madame Kim. Miss Kim was quite the experience, and short round woman with a lazy eye. She was super sweet and had a very warm feel to her. She would smile and giggle at the vision she saw over your head. And this is what she said...

• I am as Taurus and Taurus can get, meaning I'm super stubborn but still very grounded.
  Sounds pretty dead on...I'm about the stubbornest person you'll ever meet, and I think it has sabotaged every relationship I've ever been in.
• She saw some very strange things around my head including but not limited to 3 people (sounded like my Aunt Annie, my Papa Joe, and I have no idea who the third guy was), a beach scene from a bird's eye view, the color green, a dragon, a white tiger, gumballs, and the capital building.
  The beach thing makes me think I'll be visiting FL frequently, since it sounded like the view from a plane :) I forget what the color, dragon, and tiger meant, but she was very interested in them. I think the gumballs have to do with being young at heart, especially the part she talked about later with being there for Ashley. No idea what kind of government work or trouble I'll be getting in to, but I'll be on the lookout.
• I am in Cycle 12, which is a period of waiting in my life. Next year is my year of change, so she said to get my ducks in a row now...although it's frustrating I just have to wait it out and then there will be big changes next year.
  This was dead on with all the things happening this year, I feel like I never know the full story or what is really going on. It really is like I am waiting for an answer to everything all the time. The idea of next year being a year of "change" worries me, but maybe it's good change!!
• My move home is a good thing, Ashley has been pretty depressed lately and my coming home will help pull her out of that...we will revert back to childhood a bit and do the silly things we used to, anything to get her mind off the chemo.
  Gumballs!
• My family is "going to have something to say" about George. She said to watch out for him in the month of October because she drew the "Liar and Thief" card (haha).
  Not reading too much in to this, she said the lie could be simply an omition of of the full story...doesn't mean it will be serious. Who knows, I don't believing looking for the bad in people because you will find what you're looking for whether it was really there in the first place or not! :) Oh, and she kept pulling the "Love and Children" card...yikes!!! :-/
• I might have to fight for it, but I will get a job teaching this summer...because I'm a gosh darn good teacher!!
  I already knew I was a good teacher AND that my kids liked me!

I think that was a bout it. Totally interesting, but taking it all with a grain of salt!

Grinding My Gears...continued

Since my last oh-so-poetic ode to car balls, I've decided to create a list of all the things that drive me crazy! So here it is, my top 10 pet peeves (in no paticular order):

1. Dogs in purses---They don't belong there, they have legs for a reason! Dogs aren't accessories, believe it or not they are ACTUALLY alive!!

2. Answering the phone during dinner--Maybe it's just how I was brought up, but if we are taking the time to go out to dinner or sit down to a nice homemade one, put your phone on hold for 15 flippin' mintes. Sitting in silence, picking at my chicken cordon bleu while you yack away in a conversation I can only hear half of for 10 minutes isn't my idea of an ideal way to spend my time. Spare me the bordom and just tell me you can't make dinner if it's that big of an issue.

3. People who say "Maybe"--"Maybe" isn't even an answer. It's either a three letter word or a two letter word, simple as that! I don't have the time to be dragged around for weeks before you finally decide if something better has come around or not. Take a leap of faith, give an answer, and (as I tell Juls) jump in the flippin' pool!

5. Sp-eidi--Normally I don't get caught up in celebrity gossip, what's hot and what's not, but I can't help but have very strong feeling about this Heidi/Spencer situation. You're not famous! You have contributed nothing to society but a bad record album, vanity, and a way for college kids to waste their time between classes making fun of you. They just don't seem to go away though, and I'm baffled in how they truly think people like them. I have yet to meet a Speidi fan, in fact.

6. Passive Aggression--This coming from one of the most passive aggressive people I know, but I hate that about myself and since I know it so well I am quick to recognize it in others (isn't it funny how your own bad flaws tend to drive you the craziest when you see them in other people for this very reason?). I wish so bad I could come right out and tell you when you piss me off, but instead I make snide comments, or manipulate things in hopes of you realizing what you did.

7. Scavengers--Before Orlando I had no issue with people coming over, grabbing a beer, maybe some chips and hanging out. Maybe it was because my friends were always kind enough to ask, or bring their own party materials, so that situation never really happened. I know some of us are low on cash, but cheating your way out of shot circles after having 4 or 5 of your friends buy a round is never acceptable (unless you have previously informed the parties involved--but then it wouldn't be considered "cheating your way out," now would it?). Asking, "Hey you want a shot?" and then expecting the person you asked to PAY is out of the question as well...think of someone other than yourself! (Although I do recall an incident in Tally, ET and I did this with random boys at the bar, but that was blatent and intended to be funny...I think). Niether is entering my house and grabbing anything you want out of my fridge or pantrey without asking, or the grand-daddy of all, leaving the mess for me to clean us. You can consider yourself no longer my friend at this point! Just ask, why would I say no?

8. Sad-Sacks--Stop feeling sorry for yourself already! It's not going to change anything!! Things go wrong, we all have bad days, and when you want to talk I will always be there, but there comes a time to move on. Your friends get sick of hearing all your sob stories. Plus, that is no way to live life. Life is shitty, but if you don't move on and see the good that's out there then it's going to get the best of you. TRY to see the good in your life!

9. Kids who totally ignore you--This is relavtively new for me! Recently the students at my school have found a new tactic to get under my skin: they totally ignore you. For example, one day when I was walking the kids to lunch there was a group of boys rough-housing, it was borderline fighting. I went over and started yelling for them to get going to the cafeteria. I was expecting the usual roll of the eyes, sucking the teeth, commets, but eventually moving on. No, I am standing in the middle of a circle of VERY big 8th grade boys SCREAMING and they are just looking right through me, laughing at each other. They don't move, they just pretend I don't exist. My blood was boiling!!!

10. Blocking the grocery aisle--OMG!!! I hate busy grocery stores as it is, but there is a certian code to follow when you go during a busy time! Rule #1, don't leave your cart in the middle of the aisle, so no one else with a cart can get around, whilst you search for that one paticular brand of green tea you like. Rule #2, don't bring your "John and Kate PLus 8" size family with you! This ACTUALLY happened to me this week, and I unfortnately timed it just so I entered the top of every aisle as they entered the bottom. Get your kids away from me, they aren't cute, I just want to get the damn milk and move on. Rule #3, if you are searching for a certian something and you see me waiting for you to move because the item I want is directly in front of you (and, let's face it, it's just plain akward to reach over into someone's "danger zone" for a can of peas), move to the size for a hot second! As you can see, I have very strong feelings about the situation!
**More to come about #10 and other "Crowd-ology" everyone needs to know, but doesn't when I finally write and publish my book.

What Really Grinds my Gears!!

Sandra and I were driving out to Altamonte the other day to go to our friend's pool, when we passed by a mini van with a set of those fake plastics balls hanging off the back of it. Sandra pointed them out and I just went off...

I don't think there is anything in the world I hate MORE than this stupid car accessory!! I HATE these things, no I LOATHE them! Driving around with a set of male genitalia on you car is NOT going to impress any girls, in fact it will send most screaming. When men buy these things don't the understand that it says nothing other than major overcompensation? Who goes to their local...geez, where do you buy these things?...and says, "Yes! This will make my truck so hot!" You look like a fool, you probably spend your days working at your local KFC or Jiffy Lube, listening to Emenim or Kid Rock. You attempt to pick up girls at the bar, and you tell fabricated stories to your friends about getting laid, but really you get shot down every time. Girls talk about you behind your back, they detest your demeaning mannerisms, in fact you are the reason girls hate going out single.

Secondly, and not to be stereotypical, but in my research I have notice that usually when there is a car with fake balls hanging off the back, the man is African American 9 times out of ten. What gets me is that black men (stereotypically) are known to have large dicks, so why the sexual overcompensation? We get it! You have a big dick! You don't need to broadcast it via tailgate!

The funniest part of the car we saw on Saturday was that it was a mini van...like the church van type. The guy was a much older white man. An old white guy driving a mini van...nothing about that suggests that this man has balls of any kind. Maybe he went and bought himself a set when his wife told him to buy that van for "the family." Now he just looks like a child molester. Can't get it right.

I hate car balls!

Jello Shots from the Blind

There is a karaoke bar in St. Louis that has a blind cocktail waitress! No lie!

I was first introduced to Double D's (very classy, I know) over the summer. My friend Amanda told me she has a great new bar to take me to...and by "new" she did NOT mean a recent rage in the STL bar scene, she meant a place they stumbled upon and fell in love with...like a diamond in the rough! So I went, and I loved it of course...cheap drinks, crappy location, karaoke, and a lingering cigarette smell? I'm there! We came, we saw, we conquered. It wasn't until we were a few drinks in that they decided to tell me that one of the cocktail waitresses was blind.

"How does that work? Where is she?" I asked...this was one of the most fascinating concepts I had heard!

"She's not working tonight, but she serves Jello shots. You tell her what you want, give her the money, she goes to the bar and brings back your shot and change."

So I was pretty bummed I didn't get to see this miracle woman, but I finished my drink, sang "Family Tradition" and went on my way.

My second trip to Double D's was over Thanksgiving break, and this trip was success! "There she is!!!" My friend drunkenly yell-whispered to me (you know, when drunken people think they're whispering, but it's actually more like a rasping scream through clinched teeth). So we sat and Double D herself came to take our order. She was quite good, although I couldn't stop staring. A couple times she would bring the wrong shots, or stop by our table with someone else's order. I could see how that could end very badly for Double D's, but we were nice citizens and led her to the appropriate thirsty table.

I can't wait to go back to Double D's this summer!!

When it rains, it pours...

Ok, I'm not normally a negative person....oh who am I kidding, but I don't like to publicly feel sorry for myself. Please don't think that's what this is, it is a source of venting and a place for people to find out without me getting choked up over questions:

After 6 years of Florida bliss, I am finally moving back home to St. Louis this summer. This has been something I knew I would eventually do for some time now, but when I went home for the holidays it just solidified that I needed to get home as soon as possible. If I could, I would have quit my job then and there and moved back.

Put quite simply, when I returned home I not only learned that my cousin Ashley (who has been much more like a sister to me, she is the only one who gets me and can see through me) has cancer and will be put through a rigorous treatment involving surgeries, radiation, and chemo in the coming months, but I also learned that my mom's mystery conditions finally had a name. Actually two auto-immune diseases. One disease is eating away at her muscles in her legs causing them to be sickly skinny, and the other (Scleroderma) is basically a hardening of the skin.

For a while after the holidays I was pretty depressed, drank a lot to try and forget, and felt pretty damn sorry for myself. It wasn't until recently that I started feeling like myself again, and the rest of the family seemed to be moving on too. I was embracing "The Year of Me," I was doing new things, I went to Vegas, I met a great guy...things were looking really good. I actually got to the point where I would forget about my problems back home.

Then last week it all began to go downhill again. School was getting on my nerves, George was moving back to St. Louis, and then my mom called me Thursday. Thursday was the 3 year anniversary of my cousin Andrew's death. Andrew died after a party the night I should have graduated, the night my entire family SHOULD have been here in Florida with me, not at parties with false friends. That phone call was a bummer.

Monday I get a second phone call from Mom reminding me that Ashley starts chemo in a week. More of reality hitting me hard.

Finally, my mom calls me Wednesday night to tell me about a biopsy she is having the next day. The doctors seem to think the Scleroderma may have spread to her kidneys. From everything I've read, Scleroderma is relatively manageable as long as it remains external. Once the disease begins to affect the organs, it's pretty much downhill. We won't know anything for a week.

I miss how things were 2 weeks ago, when I was blissfully forgetful about the true reasons I wanted to go home. When all seemed to be going well because Mom would "casually forget" to tell me about her doctor's appointments. When Ashley and I would call each other to talk about our nights out with the girls, not having her port for chemo surgically implanted. Why can't these things ever happen one at a time, giving me time to grasp the situation. Every time I am literally bombarded with bad news and sighful phone calls.

I promise my next blog will be a positive one! :-)

Why am I doing this?

I am compelled to begin a blog, but I can't help but feel like a gloating narcissist because of it. In a world full of media, everyone thinks they are a reality star and everyone is dying for their 15 minutes of fame...seems more like 2.5 minutes these days with the abundance of reality programming constantly outdoing previous seasons. Sure there are those who make their mark in the reality world and are forever known for being on that show...but how sad is your life when all things you do revolves around you hanging on to that last thread of what you confuse to be fame, but is actually people laughing at your pathetic self? When WILL I be cast for that reunion show? When DO they call me for "I Love Money?"

I feel like beginning a blog is my first step toward being that person. Maybe not entirely, but isn't that why we start blogs? Isn't that what we want, everyone to be interested in our personal lives? We want someone to say, "Yes! You are a fascinating person, so much so that you bring me total amusement in just reading about your life!" or "Wow! I can't believe the life you live! How do you make it through the day/ not get arrested every weekend/ live with the pain you do/ the sorrow you do/ the friends you do/ the heartache you do/ the parents/the LIFE you do.

Not to knock blogs I have read, many are quite interesting and meaningful and even poetic at time. But for some reason the idea of ME having a blog brings out all this hostility...don't ask me why. I think I am just perpetually worried of what others think of me! :)